Dear Jay,
To compare is human; to compare wisely, freedom. We covet that we do not own and take for granted the ones we do.
Comparison and competition allow us to measure ourselves, in some limited aspect, against reality. This measurement carries an implied standard or value. In any comparison, there is an assumed positive (or desired) property and its inverse. Ranking ourselves among peers through such measurement isn’t inherently harmful, it is the uncritical adoption and rigid attachment to the values underpinning these comparisons that harms us.
As social animals, living amongst other “comparable” organisms, it is all too easy to lose sight of your own self and get caught up in the comparison du jour, overlooking the hidden values steering the comparison. Upon careful reflection, these might prove to be values you don’t truly subscribe to, or worse, values that actively hinder you from achieving your goals. This tendency to get caught in prevailing comparisons is especially potent when we are young and forging our own sense of self, a time when the values we adopt feel like bedrock, even if they are borrowed and can shift under our feet.
As you grow up and build your identity, it is natural to want to associate oneself with as many “positive” virtues as possible. Indeed, much of growing up is picking and choosing the qualities that resonate most, shaping the story we tell about ourselves, forming the edifice of our identity. During childhood, we borrow most of our principles from our parents. As teenagers, we absorb some from our peers, often quite unintentionally, and rebel against some of our parents’ values.
Adulthood shines a light on these values and we start being a bit more mindful of our choices— sometimes picking up our parents’ values anew. Moreover, as the social milieu changes, new values are thrust upon you, challenging and sending your early frameworks into obsolescence. This collection of principles, whether borrowed or absorbed, can either be a protective bastion or a tyrannical bastille.
Do you sometimes feel that the world is pushing you? Obstructing the path to your dream? Do you have a constant feeling that something feels wrong or painful— like an ulcer beneath your skin— but you can’t quite articulate what the issue is? Lean into that feeling. Reflect, introspect, find out what needs to change from within and without. Discover the unexamined values and habits that imprison you and free yourself. It will be painful— change is never easy, but you will be stronger, and you will know more about yourself.
Self-development, viewed in this lens, is much like tending to a garden— a topic you and your mother are intimately familiar with. The challenge, my son, is that these principles are often like deep-rooted weeds, or long-dead trees with roots spread far and wide in the earth of your identity. Some you planted with care, others sprouted from seeds scattered by circumstance, their origins perhaps long faded from memory. Convictions, assumptions, traits, and behaviours that were beneficial or protective during our younger years may cease to serve our growth, becoming encumbrances in adulthood and occupying valuable space that could’ve housed a beautiful blossom. Identifying too strongly with, and holding too tightly onto, these preconceived notions, cultural scripts, and ideas, creates an inflexible ego, manifesting as mental blockers, limiting your growth and reducing your potential.
Habits, like unwelcome guests, often overstay their welcome, proving far more stubborn to usher out than they were to let in the door. Whether through the mirror of an external party, or the introspection of your internal light, be honest and do not lie to yourself 1. Growth and enlightenment follows pain— but only if you take time to reflect. By comparing ourselves against the past, we can have a better sense of progress and achievement.
We often stare ahead at a mountaintop in the distance, yearning for the prospective elation at scaling its summit; all while losing sight of the fact that we are already on a significant peak, the journey to which held its own vistas and trials, now taken for granted. Look back sometimes, and think about how far you’ve come. Care, however, needs to be used in special cases. Ensconcing one’s identity within past victories can be a source of pain— especially if one is no longer able to perform at the same level. The pain and disappointment from such a letdown can be very difficult for people to handle, especially those who used to operate at an elite level 2.
Apart from the effects of comparison on ourselves, we should also consider the effect of comparison on others. You have a competitive streak, a desire to outperform others at every turn. Being competitive can be beneficial, it allows you to constantly improve yourself and winning is fun. However, constant reminders of how you are better than others rarely cultivates genuine connection or respect. Many will ingratiate themselves only as long as it benefits them and will abandon you when it appears you no longer serve their purposes.
People generally do not want to be or feel “lesser” than others. For example, most people will likely not think height is a property worth comparing and ascribing personal worth against. Yet, a simple neutral remark that you are taller than they are could germinate a grudge and make life difficult for you in some form, unbeknownst to you, at some future date. Even close friends and family, subjected to frequent unsolicited comparisons, will have their goodwill eroded and not want to spend as much time with you. You do not need to “win” any competition to prove yourself or elevate your worth in others’ eyes. Or, as Zeng Guofan 3 put it, “ 好胜人者，必无胜人之处，能胜人，自不居胜” (trans: Those who are eager to defeat others will inevitably have no genuine advantage. A truly superior individual does not dwell on their victories).
Live your life according to your own compass. Strive for self-improvement driven by your own aspirations, not by a desire to appear superior, wealthier, or smarter in the eyes of others. Be open to criticisms and weigh their merits but never let the opinions and judgements of others steer your ship. Overcoming yourself is the virtuous cycle that feeds your strength and confidence, not the awe and admiration of others. When you focus on yourself, and not at the expense of others, you will get better; awe and envy will just be a side-effect.
Footnotes
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Therapy is widely regarded as the most recommended way of shedding mental and behavioural habits in modern times. While therapy (with the right therapist) excels at unearthing deeply rooted mental shortcuts, early adoption of mindfulness, self-awareness, and meditation can help you identify and uproot these habits before they take hold. Moreover, they do not require an external party to help you and require no lengthy search process for the right fit. ↩
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The book Supersurvivors by Lee Kravetz offers stories of people who have experienced this and thrived. If this resonates with you, I suggest availing yourself of this resource. ↩